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Ten things to talk about before Marriage | Week Ten: Sex

All images courtesy of Katya Nova Photography 

You get in bed together. Your husband turns to you and says, “Let’s have sex.” But, you’re still angry about the fight you had earlier that evening, perhaps, and so you roll away and say, “I’m not in the mood,” before going to sleep.

Well guess what? You have just used sex as a weapon. Controlling the amount and timing of sex can be a way to gain power in a relationship, and so many women do it, sometimes without even realising.

I’ll admit, I’ve been guilty of this myself. When my husband and I get in an argument, even if we make up, the last thing I feel like doing is having sex. On the other hand, that’s the first thing he feels like doing. And his reaction is probably the right one. Sex can, and should be, used to deepen your connection to each other and as a pronouncement of love not as power. Unintentionally, by having that reaction, I was punishing him because somewhere in the back of my mind, I don’t feel like he deserves to be intimate with me for how he acted earlier.

The difference between men and women is that most men don’t care if you’re mad at them, they will still want to have sex. And, more often than not, when a man is satisfied physically, he will go the extra mile to be the protector, provider and partner you want him to be.

Turning your man down repeatedly will begin to play with his self-esteem. If you haven’t realised this yet, men are driven by ego.  So, turning him away makes him question his self-worth and leads him to wonder if he’s satisfying you, if he’s turned you off, or if you even want him anymore. What ensues are feelings of anger and frustration, which might start to be reflected in other areas of your relationship.

This why you always hear that communication is the key to a healthy relationship – we think so too!

As a side note, men are visual beings. Wearing sweatpants every day, never getting dolled up for a night out anymore sends out the message that you don’t want to be attractive to your man. Attraction is a visual experience for men. As old-fashioned and archaic as it may sound, when you said the words “I do” and pledged your undying love, you also pledged to satisfy your husband’s most basic desire.

Of course, all the blame can’t lie in the hands of women. Men also need to realise that their husbandly duties go far beyond getting up for work every day; they need to take the time to find out which of their woman’s needs aren’t being met to make her not want to have sex.

Have you seen the movie, Annie Hall? It depicts two lovers with different perceptions of their sexual relationship. When a therapist asks them separately how often they have sex, the character played by Woody Allen answers, “Hardly ever, maybe three times a week.” The character played by Diane Keaton replies, “Constantly, three times a week.”

What a lot of men don’t realise is that a women’s sexual desires are usually connected with her emotional desires. And what many women don’t realise is that men don’t connect sex and emotional desires in the same way as they do.

So ladies, enjoy the fact that your husband wants you, all the time. Gentlemen, realise that all the time is more than most women can handle. Marriage is about compromising.

Instead of not having or withholding sex at the first sign of trouble or an argument, use it to get back on track. It’s a scientific fact that having regular sex improves your quality of life. Getting married doesn’t mean the death of hot sex, but it will take an effort on both ends to keep it steamy in the years to come.

According to a study at Queen’s University in Belfast, Ireland, having sex releases the feel-good chemical Oxytocin (aka the cuddle hormone) which makes couples feel loving and more bonded. It promotes feelings of affection, safety, trust and contentment. Making love soothes the bad feelings. So, couples who have regular sexual intercourse are more emotionally intimate and communicate much better, which means less arguments to begin with.

And remember, your sexual relationship shouldn’t be a topic that you can’t discuss freely and frankly with your spouse. Be open, honest and always ready to communicate on this subject. Simply put – having sex makes everything better and is better for you than not having sex.

There may be times when the two of you are having trouble communicating and connecting with eachother. Kids, friends, work and hobbies can very easily get in the way of maintaining a good relationship.  If you’re having trouble in your marriage, it will get worse if you’re not connecting sexually.

So, use your spare time together wisely. Fiancees and husbands, you can thank us later;)

Questions to ponder:

  • Do you feel comfortable sharing your desires with your partner?
  • How many times a week do you expect to have sex in your marriage?
  • Are you happy with your sex life?
  • What do you love about your sex life?
  • What do you wish was different?
  • Are you satisfied with the amount of affection received from your partner?
  • Are you comfortable discussing your sexual likes and dislikes?
  • What are your expectations of your sexual relationship?

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Kevyn Oyhenart says:

interesting read